Happy

I hope you live a life you’re proud of. And if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over.

I never said thank you for that, Now I’ll never have a chance.

My Hero’s Orange Sky

It’s my first day of swimming with the big kids, my first day in the Gold practice group. I’m shaking, nervous, and scared. I get in the water, start swimming the fastest I can and realize I’m getting nowhere. All of the big kids are so fast, and I am timid, this stranger puts me in the middle and says “It’s for your own good!” I get out, frustrated, crying, I’m furious with myself. I feel a gentle touch on my back and hear words whispering to me “Reframe, refocus, recover. I can, I will, I must.” I began to hear these words often, not only while I was in the pool, but also out of the pool. I never realized how much they would mean to me someday.

Not only was Ryan a coach, but a friend. She was always a quick call or text away whenever I needed something. She was the most beautiful and selfless person I’ve ever known. She always put others before herself. I never thought that in my senior year of high school, my whole world would come crashing down. I never thought the day would come where I would wake up and find out that she was gone. Not many people understand… Ryan was practically a big sister and second mother to me. We were together every single day for two hours, usually even more. I screamed when I found out, hysterically crying with absolutely no where to turn. The one person who would have comforted me was Ryan. I found myself at my favorite park; I sat on the huge hill questioning God. Why Ryan? What did she do to deserve this? Can she see me? Are you real, God? Can you even hear me? I was waiting for an answer of course no one was answering me. In fact, no one else was around me. I missed her already. It had been one hour, and my heart felt as though it fell out of my stomach. 

I take comfort in knowing that now Ryan is where she loved; her ashes are spread in Colorado on her favorite mountain, with an orange sky above her. She can now overlook the world and see tiny cars and towns. Just as I could in my favorite park, the nameless park. I know she loves it there, just as I love the hill I sobbed for her on. I wish I could go to the mountain in Colorado and sit there whenever I please, but I think the hill in the park will do great for now. “Live in Love,” Ryan’s favorite saying, when I sit on that hill, those words speak to me. I know that as soon as I stand up I better have reframed, refocused, and recovered. I know I can, I know I will, I know I must.